An Unexpected Feeling.

Don’t get me wrong - I love being a mother. I love Theodore with all of my heart and more but I didn’t expect this when I saw those two pink lines.

Motherhood can be lonely.

I never thought I’d be lonely with someone around 24/7 but the fact is, you can be. It’s just specifically, I get lonely for adult conversation and connection. I realized this the other day when I was at the grocery store and tried to strike up a conversation with the cashier that would have lasted 30 minutes if they hadn’t kept giving me the “Please leave so I can do my job” look. I realized it when I contemplated sending another text to a local mama to schedule a playdate even though I’ve already asked a couple times. It’s when John gets home from school and I start blabbering at him for 30 minutes before he can even get his shoes off. It happened this week when I got to hang out with a friend for the first time in a while at a local park and I’m pretty sure I talked 99% of the time.

Being a mom at 25 is a bit of an isolating thing in and of itself- a lot of people my age are in careers, still in the party phase or completing some level of college/grad school. A lot of my mom and not-mom friends who are my age that I’d LOVE to hang out with live 5 or 6 hours from me, in different states now or our schedules are just all over the place. All understandable, logical, reasonable things. But they all help contribute to that sense of isolation where my only companion is a (very cute) toddler who’s favorite thing to say is “No Mama. I want Dada!”.

Yes, I still have phenomenal friends and I’m so very grateful for them. But I don’t see them enough.

For me there’s also a sense of failure within the loneliness. Failure that I don’t have playdates for Theodore scheduled each and every week. Failure that sometimes I take him to daycare for social time because I don’t know what else to do; then I go sit in my favorite coffee shop and hope the barista Grace is there because she’s always down to have a conversation.

I thought somehow that the badge of Motherhood would earn me an immediate and unwavering new band of people, we would sit together and drink coffee and our kids would grow up together being friends just like their parents. We’d have game nights and BBQ’s every once in a while and I’d have a bestie to call when I just didn’t know how the hell Theodore can scream so loudly about getting his hair brushed. It just really hasn’t happened.

I love being a mom. I really, truly, deeply do. But I also love socializing with other people, in person. Kids or not. I crave the coffee dates, laughing about the crazy thing that happened this week, sometimes talking about the kids, sometimes talking about everything else.

I crave the community that comes with human connection.